LOOSE LIPS: I just diagnosed myself with adverphobia: the fear of advertisements.

All my peeps,

I want you all to know…there are some Creepy McCreepsters running the advertisement world.  Beware of these monsters…and their creepy shenanigans.

You know this is true.

Seriously, think of all the bizarre commercials you see every day. I’m speaking namely of the ones that feature creepy iconic characters: Pillsbury Dough Boy, the Michelin Man, the Snuggle bear…All 100% frightening. Nothing not scary about them.

I’m telling you — you think that Pillsbury biscuit tastes good now, but just wait till that creepy little dough boy crawls up on your shoulder with a miniature dagger while you’re sleeping, threatening you to buy the new Pillsbury Classic Pizza Crust (“Pizza just the way you like it! Faster than take-out!”).  Don’t listen to him. Fight the power. He just wants you to join his cause with the other creepy commercial characters.

Oh, puh-lease. Don’t let that doughy smile fool you. We know this “thing” is a deceptive menace–not to be trusted. NEVER TO BE TRUSTED

I think we can all agree that this is the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s alter-ego:

I feel an adverphobia panic attack coming on.

I’m not sure, however, if anything can be worse than the Snuggle Bear of the Snuggle Fabric Softners & Dryer Sheets corporation. This thing is a silent killer. This commercial might be old, but it’s the only way to show Snuggles’ true creepiness:

!!!!!!!!!!!

GET THAT THING AWAY FROM YOUR CHILD

Whoever filmed this should be tried for manslaughter. Snuggles will eat your newborn. He is not afraid.  Seriously, advertisers? How do you take a teddy bear, an object that’s automatically cute by nature, and turn it into what appears to be a cold blooded killer. If I ever encounter this bear I will lock him in my dryer for eternity.  Maybe if I’m feeling generous I’ll kick him a few of his “must-have” dryer sheets.  See how he likes that.

Lastly, we all need to be more aware of the Michellin Man, the famous blob of  (white?) tires who is slowly trying to take over the world. Don’t let his big and cuddly demeanor trick you. He is evil. Pure evil.

Ohh, no no no no no no NO. You come to tell me the Michelin Man has an accomplice now? A tire-dog friend (which we all know looks like a pathetic excuse for a marshmallow)? I will not stand for this. And how did he get his driver’s license?! I have friends (NORMAL people) who failed their driver’s tests like 3 times and you’re telling me this scary “it” gets to cruise around town, jamming to some tunes, with a tire-dog riding shotty? Heck no techno. I would run this playa off the road if we crossed paths.

No thanks, Michelin. I’ll continue buying my tires from Goodyear. At least their logo doesn’t give me nightmares.

as opposed to this beast:

Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares.

So sick. Someone needs to lock these guys up.  Then I could finally rest easy at night.

I hope you all stay safe from these creatures. Remember to lock your doors and if you have bad dreams about them tonight, simply think of the M&M guys because they’re cute and I would totally be down to chill with them and bash on other commercial characters together.